I’m scared of being on my own. When MCG and I were together we made a plan about where we’d meet if the zombies ever came. I wanted to buy a Defender and fill it with bottled water and baked beans so that we’d be ready. I haven’t done it yet, that’s not to say I won’t. Last month when MCG went back to his new life in Oz, I thought we’d made peace with each other and that we were on a new path that would lead us to friendship and a unique kind of connection. I was certain we would make it happen and I wrote to him a couple of times but he hasn’t responded. I’m still hopeful he’ll keep his side of the bargain we made, but if past experience is anything to go by, I’m probably deluding myself. I still have faith in him. I think he’ll figure it out but it’s going to take a while. I guess it’ll be on his own terms and will have very little to do with me. I wish he’d try to keep his promise and make a place for me in his life. I miss him so much. Maybe he’ll re-enter my life in the future, I really hope so.
So after he left, I thought the only way I’d get over him would be to find someone else. So I joined an online dating site. I met a guy but either I wasn’t ready or he really was the creep my gut told me he was, and tonight I ended it. Now I’m sitting in my living room watching ‘2012’ feeling scared. If it really was the end of the world I’d have no one to run away with. It’s really scary being single. But it’s scarier feeling weak; it’s scarier feeling vulnerable; it’s scarier giving up. So tonight, watching a duff movie about the apocalypse, I have made a decision: I am not going to give up no matter how much I might want to, no matter how loud the demons yell in my ear that I’m not good enough to be loved and my love isn’t good enough for anyone to want it. I don’t need a new bloke, I need the old me. I learned how to look after myself years ago, and I know how to trust my instincts, I am turning those skills back on. Now, even though I am scared and I am lonely, I am getting on with getting on with the rest of my life.
If there is anyone else out there reading this blog and feeling lonely, I have a few little bits of advice:
1. exercise is good. The adrenalin rush really helps when you feel like shit. I was pretty much a blob before my break up, following a couch potato to 5k programme has given me something to work toward and something to be proud of. Walk, run, bike, swim, doesn’t matter what, just do something.
2. trust your friends and let them help you. I have been so lucky to have had 4 or 5 special people hold my hand through the last few months. A couple of them were friends from my past I hadn’t been in touch with for ages. I have cried, sulked and lost my temper with all of them and they have all forgiven me. I can’t thank them enough.
3. get some therapy. It’s good to talk with someone who has no agenda, whose only purpose is to listen to you. Pay for it privately or get it on the NHS via your GP but do yourself a favour and get yourself a shrink.
4. it’s ok to take a bit of time off work, it’s ok to spend a few days on the sofa/under the duvet. Everyone needs a bit of time to lick their wounds, but keep your eyes wide open for the stuff that gives you hope and be prepared to push away the stuff that drags you down. I know it’s not easy, but you can do it, just keep trying. And if you don’t want to try any more today, give yourself a break and try again tomorrow. It will take a while before you find your equilibrium, but you will find it.
5. get a pet. Having a warm, loving creature to care for will keep you going when you can’t be bothered to care for yourself. They need you. Caring for them will keep you sane.
That’s it. Sermon over. Good luck. Keep your head up. Don’t let the zombies get you.
Let me know how you get on.